For David W. Barber (The Musician’s Dictionary), “a piano is a cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests.”

“Piano (n.) is a parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience,” according to Ambrose Bierce, an American journalist (The Devil’s Dictionary).

And, apparently, “a piano tuner is a person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner’s chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano’s strings.”

Shockingly Honest Piano Secrets

When musicians were asked to share their best piano-playing secrets, their answers were surprisingly simple and shockingly honest.

Australian pianist Artur Schnabel said, “I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play.” (No sarcasm there, I’m sure.)

“Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled,” said George Bernard Shaw, acclaimed playwright and music critic.

And oh no, my friends – the piano humor doesn’t stop there.

Bob Hope, an American comedian, had a funny way of commenting on fellow comedian’s Phyllis Diller‘s piano chops: When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

A band teacher recalled the title of the song Claire de Lune played by a student as Claire de Loonie.

The audiences at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note, the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, If that’s my agent, tell him I’m working!

Hilarious Piano Q&A Jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

• A flat minor

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

• A flat major

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?

• Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?

• So that the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning?

• They never struck the same place twice.

What did they find when they dug up Beethoven’s grave?

• He was decomposing.

Why did Mozart kill his chicken?

• Because they always ran around going, Bach! Bach! Bach!

Imagine a singer, a piano player, a bass player and a drummer sitting around the table. Now if you drop a hundred-dollar bill right in the middle and tell them they’re free to take it, whos getting it?

• The piano player. Because the bass player is too slow, for the winger its too little money and the drummer didn’t get the assignment.